How to Grieve

Start this process early--age four, at least. When your mother runs a bath for you, the water must be precisely level with your navel. It will not be hot enough, so don't expect it to be. Sit in this bath for half an hour. As the water grows colder, think of your parents. What will happen when they die?

Now, wrinkle your face and cry until your eyes are red and shiny as glass. A mild panic attack is desirable. Get out of the tub, stare in the mirror, and make sure that the correct effect has been achieved. Repeat once a year until you are twelve; too old to take baths.

When your first parent dies, both of you will be too young. But don't worry--you have mourned for over half your life. Have someone shove a Xanax and purple Gatorade down your throat. Leave your body. Do not speak. Watch yourself turn to stone.